No one needs these lists for being coupled. You don’t have to be told by a thousand experts why you are lucky to be in a healthy, loving relationship. You don’t have to be told because already know! No one has to remind you why companionship, affection, acceptance and comfort is good…our whole being…mind, soul, heart and body knows it’s good.
So why do people work so hard to convince people that being single is the ultimate, but only after you find yourself incidentally single? Doesn’t society tell us from day one that the ultimate goal is to be married with a white picket fence and 2.2 perfect children, a well-paying job, new cars, enviable vacations and plenty of fabulous friends?
But the second someone finds themselves uncoupled, well, they have to hear endless people, including all the “experts” tell them why they are so lucky. However, almost in the same breath, those same family and friends who where telling them how lucky they are, are now pummeling them with questions about their status…are you dating? Are you dating anyone special? Then when they answer no, they are met with the disappointed face of their friend. Then these lucky singletons have to tell them some line about why they aren’t looking (even if they are) or they tell them the the world is their oyster and they should be loving it.
It can’t be both ways, folks!
Now granted, if you’ve been through a midlife divorce, you have undoubtedly had people come out of the woodwork to tell you how much they dislike being married. Or you can now use your post-divorce-spidey-sense to see that many people really aren’t happy with their relationships despite how happy they make it look on facebook.
Honestly, it’s the ‘experts’ (who by and large, aren’t even single) that go on and on about how singles need to be content being single. Even in my church-going days, the married women would say…”Once you are content being single is when your husband will come along.” Really? No! There is a difference with contentment with where your life is right now, which is great, versus knowing what you want and making it a priority, like finding love. If you've been single in midlife, I don't need to remind any of you that , male or female, the moment you meet someone and have a spark or connection, you can turn into mushy teenagers at the speed of lightning!
Singles are also urged to appear fierce within their singleness, to neglect vulnerability and therefore feel they can’t openly express our very basic God-given need…which is relationship. And heaven forbid they be real about this common need on a dating profile! The person of the opposite sex has now been programmed to read that they must be needy, clingy, desperate or looking for a sugar daddy if they mention any real desire to find someone. Um…hello! Aren’t they on dating websites to find love, too? The ultimate in online shopping? Let’s just agree to be real about THAT little known fact, which by the way, is backed by a two-billion dollar industry. Yeah, those moguls are laughing all the way to the bank at the games their patrons play and the lies they’ve bought into that prevent them from really finding love and keep them coming back for more…because they know unless people change their mindset, they will make the same mistakes time and again.
Don’t get me wrong…I’m a pretty independent person. I’m determined, driven when I want to be, intuitive and a great problem solver. I’m also an introvert by nature, a fairly peaceful and quiet person…and I NEED and crave alone time, I am still acutely aware I was built for loving others. I also want to mention think there are times people need to be single for personal development for short periods. However, there are certainly enjoyable things about being free of anyone else's expectations when we are are single and divorced, but what if it brings MORE joy to your life to be able to cook for someone else, to do something loving or sacrificial for the person you care about vs doing that same thing JUST for yourself.
What if fulfilling those expectations for someone else, which is the ultimate expression of love, actually makes your life better?
Women don’t need men to complete them, neither do men. Personally, I’ve always liked the 1 x 1=1 thinking about couples versus the two halves make a whole. Therefore, the goal should be to find someone who complements you while you complement them. (That’s complement…as in add value to or enhance, but compliments are always great, too!) I tell my coaching clients to look for a man or woman that makes them a better version of themselves and they should feel they do the same for their partner. This, of course, does not mean when they am not dating someone they are a lesser person, either.
What’s wrong with admitting you would like someone to eat dinner with at the end of the day, discuss your happenings, world events while laughing at life’s little mishaps? What’s wrong with wanting to wake up with someone who doesn’t look their best in the morning? What’s wrong with knowing your coffee time would be just a little better if you were sitting snuggled close to someone on the couch? There’s also knowing that parties are harder to go to alone and having someone to just call or text during the day when it’s a particularly good one or even when it’s not so good, makes the day just a little bit better. And of course, there's sex…and I know there are a few that would argue no-strings-attached sex is more desirable to sex with a loving partner who you can sexually engage any time you want, I say “Bollocks!”
So give yourself permission to feel what you really feel, embrace what you really want. Sure, you can be complete, whole and emotionally stable singletons who aren’t desperate to be completed by some other person. You can be strong, you can know what we want….and what you want is to find love!
It’s okay to admit it to yourself!
It’s okay to say it out loud!
It’s okay to put on your dating profile!
It’s okay to share with your date!
It’s okay to be who you really are, to freely feel and express what you really need…
that’s confidence, that’s independence, that’s truly sexy!