This sounds so simple, both in sex and life/love, so why is it so difficult to put into practice? I think if many people were honest, they would look and see that they are often self-serving in the beginnings of their friendships and relationships. How many times have we been told that we should be asking “What’s in it for me?” Then there are some people who only give so that they will receive...they totally miss being able to experience the joy within the act of sacrifice. I would ask what do you have to offer? What are you putting in? What are you willing to put in and does it match what you expect in return? Are you attempting to surrender yourself in a loving way? Surely we have to be wise in whom we can trust, but you also have to have an attitude that ceases looking for problems. It’s also common, especially with online dating and seemingly countless choices, it’s easy to get distracted by the next shiny object before you’ve let anything develop with the person you’re currently interested in.
My personal life and relationship coach told me she sees it time and time again …people quit a relationship before it ever really starts because of some stupid, insignificant reason! I know we all have this unspoken list of deal-breakers whether we want to admit it or not! I've done it myself before and no matter how hard I pushed myself to get past one of my silly little no-go's, I had to realize this one one place where I was shallow, yet I know we all have those triggers.
We also search for perfection, but let’s face it, we should know by now that we are all flawed. Galway Kinnel said “Let our scars fall in love.” I’ve always said this…”we all have glaring flaws at this age, you just have to find a particular set of flaws you can live with!” Flaws can be really beautiful, actually, so give them a chance. They make us unique, they are created by our experiences, both good and bad, they make us real. If we are really seeking something authentic, we have to decide how many of those silly deal-breakers really matter in the grand scheme of life and throw out our rules in order to be fully in the moment. There’s always going to be a certain level of risk…but the old saying is true, “nothing ventured, nothing gained!”
From the book “If the Buddha dated” she likes to use the phrase “crawling in love” versus “falling in love” which makes me envision a warm, cozy and safe place that I find comforting. I love the way the author puts it:
“Crawling in love is different from falling in love, or in lust, because you stay connected to your intelligence.” “When we craw in love we are more likely to find the true fire of hearts meeting because our bond is based on a wide array of experiences, time together, familiarity, and the ability to talk over conflict. Sex and love will flourish alongside the rich, warm feeling that comes from an enduring bond where people dwell in each other’s hearts.”
Is this a set of rules? I think not...its freeing, and I believe its sound advice. Acting upon it, however, requires me to attack my own thoughts, abandon rules and pretense, be aware of my insecurities, be mindful of ‘what is’, stay connected to my intelligence, enjoy making sacrifices, let feelings flourish and just crawl.