Category: Midlife Dating

What Would Love Do? (archive)

1/4/2015

“What would love do?” I read those words in a book yesterday…just an arbitrary sentence really, but it stopped me in my tracks. It seemed I finally read in four little words a phrase that both summed up how I’ve attempted to be true to myself as I’ve dated, and frankly, it just resonated with my soul. I strive to be a kind dater and if you’re a coaching client of mine, you will soon learn I don’t believe in playing games, using your time, heart or body as currency or believe you have to be harsh or ignore people you meet along the way.

I do believe that to attract the love you want, you have to give the love you want. I know, you’re thinking “but what if we just met?” I don’t care…be who you are going to be throughout the relationship from day one. Get rid of the thinking…I do or don’t deserve this or that…try just being loving. I am not saying to profess your love the second you meet someone, but I bet when you meet a brand new same-sex friend, you are loving and never think to make them EARN your attention or heart.

My best friend, who is blissfully married, has had to hear me grapple on and on with the modern techniques of dating that are preached, taught and sold to those who want to find love in their life. I’ve often been puzzled about why ‘experts’ are condoning to treat people worse than you would treat a friend while trying to find someone to spend your life with…it all seems a little pre-schoolish at times, and even pre-school math tells me that it just doesn’t add up. “Why men marry Bitches” is a popular book that comes to mind, which is all about maintaining the control in the relationship by acting uninterested and in my opinion, rude. There are equally disdainful books written for men about how to be pick-up artists and how to act disinterested, even to insult a woman in a teasing way so she will feel less than. I don’t believe in those techniques of course…actually, I don’t believe there is any special formula to finding love, because let’s face it, its common sense to assume that if there were some great formula to finding love then no one would ever be single again.

We are people…we are all different, the potential loves we meet are people…they are all different. The combination of two different people is intrinsically different from the last combination you were in. The good news of that is there isn’t ONE way to make someone fall in love with you. On the other hand, the bad news is there isn’t ONE way for someone to fall in love with you. But the combination of the two of you, well, that’s the good stuff and my best advice is to be who you really are from day one.

Just for example, let’s take texting rules you may have heard…to wait hours to respond to a text so you don’t seem too eager. How long do you take to respond when your best friend texts you? Now, unless you are in the middle of a work or family commitment, I’m willing to bet you respond pretty quickly and you certainly don’t wait hours past the time you COULD respond. So don’t do it to someone you are interested in having a relationship with either. Be responsive. Be kind. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Love and fear don’t co-exist. I personally believe love is worth risk…so abandon the fear and self-protection we all struggle with when we meet someone new and instead just be yourself, be authentic, and be loving. Or ask yourself…”What would love do?” This question is really universal…it will work with your kids, with your annoying co-worker, with a random stranger, with your best friend or with your over-anxious sister. It also just might lead you to and attract great love! That’s what love does.

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Fire the Reporters! (Archive)

1/4/2015

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I'm a CNN watcher...watch it far too much and with the missing airplane MH370 (this was written in spring 2014), I have been watching even more lately. But, I think we should fire the reporters...not the ones on the news channel, but the reporters that live within us. They are the ones who tell us stories about ourselves and almost always, these reporters do not base their stories on facts or science or ‘what is”.

No, these reporters have concocted a variable cornucopia of fictional work against us, from the silly and mundane to the serious stuff we don’t tell anyone we hear as we lay our head on our pillow each night.

Some of these stories stem from things our parents told us. My mother was quite overweight, I struggled with my weight too, but my mom told me three things that still stick with me to this day, even though I know they are not factual or even thought by others to be true. She said “Fat girls don’t wear white. Fat girls don’t wear Red. Fat girls don’t wear belts.” You won’t find anything in my closet white or red and I’ve probably worn a belt less than 20 times in my life. I know what my sweet mom said isn’t ACTUALLY true, just like I know she never meant any lifelong psychological damage by it. But these are the early stories we are told and continue to tell ourselves. Maybe it wasn’t just your upbringing, maybe it was your ex-spouse too. When your house is not clean enough, do you still hear his words in your own voice in your head? Or when the bank account is slim, you still hear her words in your voice complaining about your career or legitimate spending choices?

These stories also permeate our post-divorce and dating life too. How many times have my single gal pals sent me a text on a lonely night and said “I’m a loser!” I’ll admit that I’ve let that thought cross my mind myself. But here’s the truth: I can attest that my friends are most certainly not losers, instead they are smart, beautiful, confident women who would be great catches for the right men…it’s just the MATCHING of the men that is the challenge, not my amazing friends or men they meet on the search. Well, mostly.

Maybe this will ring a bell…we don’t get a second date with someone we actually liked. Instead of looking at the true facts of the matter, those reporters start firing up story after story and almost always, we are the exposed celebrity. For women, it goes something like this “I’m not pretty enough, I’m too fat, My boobs are too small, My butt is too big, I’m too needy, I’m too nice”…well, you get the picture. Men have this similar stories under the same circumstances and it goes like this, “I don’t make enough money, My car is too old, my arms are not muscular enough, I’m not a good conversationalist, My *package* is not big enough, I’m too nice.” In reality, it’s probably not any of those things…it’s just that one of you felt that thing we are all looking for was not there…spark! We all know that you can’t manufacture spark or cause it to not be there. I have really liked some dates in the time we talked before we met and then nothing…and it’s painful for me when the spark isn’t there, but it’s not personal.

So let’s try something…when those reporters start talking in your ear, let’s talk back louder!

When they say you aren’t good enough at your job, or as a provider, take time to remind yourself of the truth…what work you contribute to your workplace is important and your income is providing a whole list of things for you and possibly, others.

When those reporters try to convince you that you aren’t being a good parent because you didn’t buy your child the latest and greatest new thing, or you let them stay up late on a school night or eat an extra cookie, take time to remind you of your truth…they have all their NEEDS met, you’re a good parent because you love your child like no one else can.

When you put your foot in your mouth while talking to a friend and those reporters start telling you all the reasons you don’t deserve that friend or their forgiveness…tell yourself the truth of what a great friend you can be and that your heart was not to hurt them and forgive yourself.

And finally, when your phone is far too quiet and loneliness sneaks in, send those damn reporters packing and remind yourself of what IS in your life. I bet if you were on the outside looking in, you wouldn’t even hear those reporters because everyone else knows what a great person you are and how much people adore you.

Singleness can be tough when you’re lonely. Midlife can be such a time of self-discovery and change. Put the two together and sometimes it takes constant awareness to remind yourself that you matter, that you’re amazing, that you will find love again, that the days ahead can be filled with treasured gifts you haven’t even thought of or discovered yet. Just don’t give one minute of your mindspace to those noisy tabloid reporters!

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Throwing Out "The Rules" of Dating (Archive)

1/4/2015

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Anyone up for a bonfire? Let's burn some rules, kick it old-school like in the 60s! No, I’m not ready to get rid of the tools in my midlife dating toolbox, but I am embracing the need to get rid of "the rules".

If you’ve been in the midlife dating game for very long and are a seeker of information like me, then you have read articles, maybe books too and searched online forums to find out what the heck we are all supposed to be doing. Being that understanding the opposite sex is an age-old problem, even once you get past the whole “How do I get back out there?” question, you then have the “What did he really mean when he did or said X, Y and Z?” Or for you male readers, “What is it she really wants from me?”

On my quest for knowledge, I’ve unfortunately found that most advice is something that, at my inner core, goes totally against my gut. I’m an open book, I mean, I’m the gal who will tell the lady checking me out at the register at Target anything about myself if its topical. I am who I am, most of the time, or at least that is always my goal. But dating after divorce can find you insecure and link you back to your days in high school where you wonder incessantly what is really going on with your ‘crush’. Lets be honest, no matter your age there’s nothing like the excitement of someone new to make you realize you can easily be turned into a hormonal, emotional teenager again.

Some of the icky things you will find if you go hunting online are websites purely devoted to teaching men how to be pick-up artists and books telling women they will never get and keep a man if they aren’t a bitch to him, supposedly turning men into a mold-able pile of goo to do whatever you desire. On top of that, there’s a whole system of who is the 1+ and the -1, which is a precarious balance of trying to make sure you are always the “One up” so you have the “one down” exactly where you want them. Sweet Brown said it best, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

Months ago I was at a meetup group event. The men and women ranged from late 20s to early 50s, most single, and a few married people too. There was a subset of women huddling together throughout the night talking about their latest guy-drama. Ever the midlife-dating sociology student, the whole exchange intrigued me greatly. If I had to wrap it all up, there were a few women who had given the man in question their “goodies” and then everything changed, well, he changed. It didn’t matter how long they dated before the goodies were given, the results seemed to be the same …they weren’t texting, they weren’t calling so the women were doing what we tend to do…over-analyzing every freaking possibility known to man. When the men were brought into the conversation for advice, they said “sex is just sex to men” but there is something about the dynamics changing once that "tension" is relieved, the hunter has had his kill, (no matter how many more times he wants it again) that ushers in a whole new set of complex rules!

But what would happen if we threw all of those rules out? What if we texted when we wanted to text (so long you aren’t texting at the rate of him needing to take out a restraining order)…or what if we said what we really felt or did what we really wanted? Not in a selfish way, because we should be constantly submitting to the other persons wants and needs.

I guess we need to ask ourselves “Why date? What is our goal?’ I would respond to that question different ways at different times over my singleness, as I’ve had different needs along the way. However, my first answer would generally be “I anticipate the joy of loving someone!” And, I want to be loved too. I’m pretty simple at the base as I care nothing about being wined and dined or traveling the world…I just want someone to sit with me on a quiet morning drinking coffee, to take a long walk with, share deep talks with, having mind-melting kisses with, but mostly BE KNOWN.

So why do we buy into all the trappings, ie rules of modern dating?
*You can’t say what you really feel until a certain amount of time has passed.
*You can’t be the first to text. (Although personally, I like a man to lead with this.)
*You can’t ask a man out.
*You can’t let them meet your kids until one thing or the other happens.
*You can’t let them think you like them more than they like you.
On and on and on the list goes, and that’s before you get to all of the rules surrounding proclamation of the “L word!”

Read this quote from the book, "If the Buddha Dated":

“Our longing is also our desire to be known completely. Imagine having your beloved look tenderly into your eyes, knowing all your secrets, having seen you be crabby and sweet, selfish and generous, and still truly loving you. Imagine being able to do the same. That is the potential of a conscious relationship.”

Wow! Who doesn’t want that?

So friends, anyone want to join me in a bonfire? I’m making a conscious effort to throw all of “the rules”…I'll bring matches...you bring the wine!

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About that first date in 20 years....(Archive)

1/4/2015

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Okay, there is nothing like the pressure of having your FIRST DATE in TWENTY YEARS! I was definitely more nervous than my first date as a teenager...in fact, I'm not sure I even remember it. Dating has changed a lot in twenty years and at this age, we know we are all flawed. We are no longer wearing the rose-colored glasses looking for someone "perfect" for us because we have battles scars and we know that doesn't exist.

My first date was with a wonderful man whom I will call "The Catalyst." When I stumbled upon him, I had been single again for about eight months. Although I had taken a peek at online dating sites , it just seemed like all the profiles were the same, so how I found the Catalyst was really quite funny. I went on to craigslist to look for a desk, because I was finally ready to get rid of the craft table I had been using to run my busy home business. I decided it was time to get serious which didn’t last long, because I'm easily distracted! So after not finding much in the furniture section, I happened to see the personals and that is where it all began.

If I knew before this that craigslist had personals, I had forgotten. I decided to take a peek and honestly, I figured the ads would be sparse or very outdated because there's so many dating sites...why would anyone go THERE looking for love? But I peeked and I *bravely* went to the "strictly platonic" section! There was an ad that caught my eye where a man said he was just looking for someone to talk to and email throughout the day. As you all may have figured out, you turn off your availability and flirting signal during your marriage, so I was about to enter a whole new world. I had NO idea if I could still be charming or flirtatious and thought maybe answering this ad was a good way to figure out how to talk to men again.

The catalyst answered back right away and I think that first day, we exchanged 42 emails or something. There was great conversation from the start. The reason I call him the Catalyst (and yes, he knows that will always be his place in my life) is that he helped me so much in forming my thoughts on getting married again, how my beliefs in God had changed, dating and sex and well, we just talked about any and everything...a lot! Besides his great dry wit, he is smart, sees below the surface in all sorts of settings, and a foodie! There was never a lack of things to talk about and even though I had already started to find ME again and was loving being in a position to reinvent myself, our talks really made me a better person and a better version of me.

Now, some of you get so stuck on the physical that you won’t understand this, but we never exchanged pictures. After ten days of emailing countless times a day, we moved to texting, on and off all day and night. Finally, after a month, we decided to meet for the first time! We knew each other so well by then, but still no pictures. Of course, throughout our talks we had mentioned things about our appearance so maybe we had some vague idea of what we might look like, but we didn't know for sure.

As SOON as the date was scheduled...about five days before the actual dinner, my girlfriends and I began to plan! There were visits to the hair salon, the nail salon and pow-wows on what to wear! Because the girls didn't agree on the outfit, it went to texting pictures to other friends and getting them to vote on which dress to wear...it was fun, but it was an 'ordeal!" I do know, the catalyst had been on a couple of other dates since being single himself and he bought a new shirt to wear that night, but I also know he had NO idea how monumental it is to a woman to be on a date for the first time in 20 years!

The night of the date, my BFF came over to help me get ready and by the time she and the sitter (also a friend) waved to me as I drove down the driveway, I felt like I was going to prom! I had a big bundle of nerves and excitement turning in my stomach and I think I was probably shaking a little inside too. I'm not a nervous nelly in most circumstances but I was so worried, after a whole month invested, that maybe it would be a disaster in person!

We pulled up at the same time and honestly, he looked much the way I imagined him but different all the same. The Catalyst has beautiful blue eyes, however, the WHOLE attraction I had with him from the start was how he appreciated and cared for my mind! Guys, the real way to get to a quality woman is to take the time to explore her mind, her thoughts, her values and so forth...THIS is like cupid's arrow for me!

I was quite worried that perhaps we wouldn't have the same easy ability to talk in person. I was wrong! We went to an Indian restaurant because the Catalyst introduced me to Indian food by talking about it in emails and I started trying things and fell in love with it! But let me tell you that although the food was almost as excellent as our conversation, we had chemistry like I have never felt before. In fact, upon return visits to this restaurant, which I had only gone to twice before, the waiter remembered the crazy chemistry...it was that noticeable! So for three hours we sat in that booth talking about a zillion things and at times, we didn't talk at all, we caught each other’s eyes and just stared, getting off track mid-sentence.

Then we moved to an outside pub and sat side by side for another three hours, talking and laughing and even tearing up sharing some deep stuff. There was sweet hand-holding and then after six hours and realizing it was very late, we had to say goodnight. He walked me to my car and he had told me numerous times that he would be nervous to make a move so I wasn’t sure if he would kiss me or not. He did and we kissed for a bit despite college kids coming and going to the bar around us, joking that someone would probably video it with their phones and put it on youtube saying "Ew...look at these two old people kissing!"

As I drove away I wasn't on cloud 9, I was on cloud 87! It couldn't have gone better. On top of the amazing connection we had, I lived through my first date in 20 years. As corny as it sounds (and I promise I am not that girl), it was magical and I still don't have a desk...I never did go back to craigslist to look for one...imagine that!

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Midlife Woman's Dating Toolbox (Archive)

1/4/2015

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So you’ve found yourself back in the dating world after a decade or two hiatus and you feel like you’ve been dropped off in the middle of another universe, right? I felt very much the same not so long ago, but now that I have a few tools in my dating toolbox, I thought maybe you’d like to add them to yours.

I am slowly figuring this thing out and by no means have all the answers from the dozens of first dates I’ve been on post-divorce. Even though I’ve taken a few stabs at a relationship, most were “first-date-only” and I've learned a lot! All of these meetings taught me some valuable things about myself and dating. So, I share with you some tried and true tools from the field:

1-Thick Skin: Dating at mid-life is not for the weak of heart. When you first start dating (online, or otherwise), remember not to take things personally. All of us have non-negotiables, which can be anything from smoking, to ex-cheaters, to tattoos, to someone who wears clogs (Ok but seriously, at our age, who wants to be seen with that?) If we are truly being ourselves, then it’s okay when someone finds out we have one of the non-negotiables on their list. It says nothing about us as a person, it is just a preference. Shake it off, don’t go changing and move on to the next!

2-Flirting Button: When you’re married, you probably turned off your man-radar and flirting skills without even knowing it. Over the years, You forget how to talk to men in a non-sterile way, so make sure your flirtability is turned back on and start using it! Smile at men when they look at you, look out and around, say hi, wink if you’re a winker! Then, if you want to talk to someone, try bumping into his cart, or if you are really bold and flirty, try asking his opinion on shaving cream! Feel good about yourself when you leave the house and you will effortlessly attract the attention of others.

3-Smart Phone: Okay Ladies, time to up your technology ante! It’s fairly mandatory in today’s world if you want to have any social life, dating or otherwise, you need a smart phone. Texting is a huge part of modern relationships, so you need to get text-friendly, know how to take a decent ‘selfie”, and have friends take good pics of you doing activities you enjoy so you can share them right from your phone. There are also loads of great dating apps to make dating fun at your fingertips!

4-Honesty: Unfortunately, many people our age are still trying to play games but I find if I’m honest, I tend to attract people who are honest. I had a single friend who never got asked on a second date. While trying to help her figure out why, she showed me her online profile pictures, which honestly weren’t a very genuine likeness of her. So fess up, whether you’re a BBW, very tall, you smoke, like to party, wear glasses, collect PEZ dispensers, whatever the case may be, just be upfront. I tell men my height, I never wear flat shoes and I’m a size 14. I can’t imagine how awkward it would be to sit across from a man who had failed to mention his picture was 10 years old, 40 pounds and 17 wrinkles ago, etc. I don’t want to be either person in that scenario!

5-Lingerie: I am NOT saying that a first date should ever see your lingerie, but you know it’s true, ladies, when you have on sexy lingerie, you just feel more confident and sensual (yes, even if it’s not comfortable.) The morning my ex-husband moved out, I threw out all of my lingerie and have enjoyed building a whole new trousseau. Try something daring, too, go for things you haven’t worn before. I did and I had no idea I’d be infatuated with thigh high nylons! Confidence is Sexy and its okay if some of it comes from a pair of black lace panties!

6-Google/LinkedIn: I’m not ashamed to admit I have googled almost every date I’ve been on. There are plenty of “playa’s” out there and I don’t have time for that nonsense! My BFF and I have gotten quite good at our detective work, but my favorite validation is when I find them on LinkedIn. I feel if I can verify what they’ve told me about their professional life, then that’s good enough for me. After you get to the date, it’s all about instincts, so trust yourself the most!

7-Boundaries: This may come as a shock to you, but there are plenty of men our age who want sex on the first date. Actually, most expect it by the third and if you don’t, you might just never hear from him again. Shocking, right? So, I look for a way to let them know my boundaries before we meet so their expectations line up with mine. My mantra is “first date/first base.” I am willing to kiss someone on a first date if I like them (because frankly, kissing is one of the best things EVER), but I make it clear there will be nothing more, unless they want a knee where it doesn’t go!

8-Your own car: Always plan your own escape if you need it…get-away cars are not ONLY for criminals! I just prefer to meet my date in a public place until I feel safe, in fact, only 3 men have been to my home. Ladies, always make him come to your part of town for the first date…you’re worth it!

9-Safety Friend: This might be the MOST important item on the list! My BFF is mine and before any date, I send her his full name, his phone number, meeting place, and start time because as they say, ”safety first.” So, thirty minutes into every first date, she sends me a text. If I already know it’s a great time, then I reply “I’m great and text you after.” If I’m still on the fence, I let her know to check back in another half hour, or if it’s not going well at all, I can ask her to call me with a diversion (the kids are running with scissors, the dog is puking, she broke her big toe, etc!). If I ever needed a big rescue, I have no doubt she would grab her husband or sister, show up and help a girlfriend out! In fact, she’s been known to do a drive-by just because she thinks it’s fun! Gotta love a gal-pal like mine, and no I’m not sharing!

10-Wallet: You should always offer to pay for the date. Now, I never have because men of our generation tend to be fairly traditional but I like to offer. You should definitely pay for some subsequent dates, so be prepared. I have read about women who pay if the date is bad on matter of principal alone, this is generally a sign to the man that he won’t be getting a second date, but I think this is backwards thinking. If my date was that bad, I would order the most expensive item on the menu and NOT offer to pay, not really, but its funny to think about.

11-Disposable Toothbrush: These little things are the best…tiny, minty, disposable, discreet objects of fresh breath goodness! If you WANT him to kiss you goodnight, sneak away for a quick brush and then, enjoy that worry-free first kiss!

12-Gum and Handbags: But what if you DON’T want him to kiss you? Put a piece of gum in your mouth. Also, holding your purse in front of you as you walk to the car can be a girls’ secret weapon. Most men aren’t into gum swapping or being hit over the head by handbags and will get these not-so-subtle hints!

Regardless of what you put in your toolbox, remember to be open, genuine and have fun. Stretch yourself, look for life lessons and embrace all of the wonderful new things this chapter of life has to offer you. And then meet your best friend for drinks afterward and dish out all the details. You will either swoon like school girls at new possibilities, or double over laughing if it was a comedy of dating errors. Either way, you can’t lose!

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What Would Love Do? (archive)

Fire the Reporters! (Archive)

Throwing Out "The Rules" of Dating (Archive)

About that first date in 20 years....(Archive)

Midlife Woman's Dating Toolbox (Archive)

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