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Whether you are just looking for a “F*ck Buddy” or are on a quest to find your “Lifelong Love”, there are some surefire ways to practice and attract authenticity as you date. People often complain “All men are liars” or “All women are needy.” My first response is…”Wow, you’ve must have been busy dating ‘everyone!’” When I ask them to tell me who they are, what they are looking for and what they are finding, chances are they aren’t practicing integrity, and therefore, aren’t really showing up as their authentic selves in their relationships or attempts at one.
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Dear Good Guy...
I’ve met a lot of you, well, at least the ones who aren’t hiding away and trying to convince themselves they love the single life after giving up on dating. And I’ve met a lot of the ones you and others would call the “Bad Boys!” You’re resentful (and jealous) of those guys always getting the girl when you know you’re great boyfriend material. I get it.
Listen, it’s not that we think the Bad Boys are better than the Good Guys because we know they aren’t going to be permanent in our lives. The thing is, they understand what we need and want and are willing to risk rejection in hopes of giving it to us. You can do this too without changing your values or faking it until you make it while being genuinely and wonderfully YOU. So step away from the home improvement projects that you’re using to distract you on lonely nights and take the lessons shared here so you can get the girl.
What do the Bad Boys do that you aren’t doing?
1. They Text
No one is a good dater in this day and age (regardless of your age) without making the smartphone your friend. My number one message to men who ask me for advice is to learn to build and maintain momentum with women... this is why texting is your Friend, not your Enemy! The Bad Boys know, no matter how long we’ve known them, that we love that “Good Morning” text... we love hearing you are thinking of us during the day... and we love your “sweet dreams” text as we drift off to sleep! This work for you not only because women love knowing you’re thinking about them, but it keeps YOU at the forefront of their minds, too!
2. They Flirt
The Bad Boys always compliment where they can but never in a fake way. They also know how to tease in a way that makes a girl tease back... and that banter is a huge turn-on. They also know how to give a little sexual innuendo without being sexually overt. In fact, none of the Bad Boys I know have ever sent me a dick pic... the good guys, however, have more times than I can count. The Bad Boys will also open the door for a sexual entendre and then see what the girl does with it. If she plays along, great and if not, he doesn’t push, he just keeps up the rest of the banter until she’s comfortable.
3. They Pursue
The Bad Boys strike while the iron is hot. These are the online guys who are going to ask us out right away... they aren’t going to coyly say we should really meet without immediately asking what day works for us. They don’t listen to the pickup artist guys who say to not show interest or respond to messages quickly... they’re interested and not afraid to show it. Life is too full of great women to play games. The Bad Boys are going to text or call every day without getting discouraged if we can’t meet the day they originally hoped. They are willing to plan and plan ahead and aren’t the last-minute guy unless she says that is all that works on her end. In other words, they don’t give up the chase!
4. They know what they want
They want us... and that doesn’t scare them. They know that with any risk, rejection is possible without being personal, but not asking is already a rejection they created themselves. They aren’t afraid to say what kind of relationship they are interested in or that they are so attracted to you because of your brain, hair, legs or spirit. I find most Good Guys like you, overthink every. damn. thing! Overthinking isn’t sexy. Taking liberties when you want something is! If you read some of the work of Esther Perel, she talks about the man ‘taking’, as an act of aggression, being key to a woman feeling desired. Sure, we want long and slow love-making sometimes, but what we fantasize about more often is you walking in the door and just taking us.
5. They love women
This will come to a great surprise to many of you. It will also surprise you that a lot of the Good Guys have a chip on their shoulder against women. But the Bad Boys simply love women. Now there is a difference between a womanizer (a pickup artist who loves a ‘pump and dump’, insulting women to get them into bed and trying to fill their own insecurities with notches on their bedpost) and a lover of women. A lover of women will never have a “type” because they can find things to appreciate about many different types. This love comes out in the way they treat us, the way they respect us and the way they have sex with us. There is a certain reverence that allows them to walk in their masculinity and us to walk in and be appreciated for our femininity.
And trust me, Good Guys, when we are on dates with you, not only do we wonder about your confidence and self-esteem if you aren’t doing these things, we also wonder about your opinion of women in general. We can feel seething disdain no matter how well you thinking you’re hiding it from us or even, yourself.
So, Good Guys of the world, don’t change your values or what you have to offer once you get into a relationship, but add these tips to your method. Make a mind shift about women and remember you have the advantage of pure motives with an eye on long-term relationships as a prize. Keep at it and I just bet, the amazing women that you are seeking are going to be giddy when they see they have a Good Morning text from you!
Single women who want to be chased by Good Guys
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I love a good dating experiment! My latest one was to use my handsome friend RC’s picture and create a male profile so I could get a really good look-see into the man’s world of online dating. The profile had the same hobbies and details, but I made him slightly taller, his profile briefer and more humorous than his own would be, in order to promise mass appeal.
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You don’t have to be a dating coach for long before you start noticing patterns or hearing basically the same stories over and over again...sometimes by the same client who just doesn’t learn and sometimes by every single person you meet. Before I myself worked with a coach to get some tools, and then committed to figuring out a way date more intentionally and mindfully, well, sometimes these were my stories, too! When I first started dating again after my 18 year marriage was completed, I was like many folks out in the dating pool... I didn’t have a clue. In fact, I guess you could say I didn’t even really notice the difference between sinking and swimming, which is precisely why these bad dating habit are making you feel like you’re lost in a sea of confusion without a life-jacket.
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Its true...I'm extremely heterosexual but I woke up with a beautiful woman in my bed on Valentines morning. I ended my last relationship a few weeks before, knowing that meant a solo Valentines Day for me, but that was okay. For me, V-day is a day to celebrate all of the love in my life. I flipped my meaning of that day after too many disappointments in my 18 year marriage. Some say it's too commercial and bah humbug the whole day, but for me, love any day of the year is worth celebrating! Valentines Day could be quite wonderful for us all, if only we could get rid of those damn expectations.
I have always loved women... Click here to read the rest of the story!
Deb Besinger: Authentic, Relatable and Insightful.